Pope Makes Secret Visit to Raleigh

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The Pope arrived at RDU in the morning and boarded his custom Tahoe Popemobile to begin his tour of Raleigh. Crowds cheered as the Pope raced down the Wade Avenue 500 in record setting time on his way to attend church at White Memorial.

Even though the church is Presbyterian, the Pope assured everyone in attendance that they would receive VIP access to heaven over other Raleigh residents. The crowd rejoiced as people threw gold bricks into the offering plates.

The Pope then led a prayer vigil for the ITB Mother who crashed her car on the steps of Hayes Barton, followed by a communion with water crackers and pumpkin spice lattes. “I know, I know, I shouldn’t be wearing white after Labor Day,” he joked, as he blessed a newborn girl with a double name.

The Pope also visited Gelwood South, where he sighed heavily and quietly muttered things like “this is savage wasteland of debauchery and sin” as he surveyed Still Life and Cornerstone.

He continued on to Fayetteville Street where he blessed the endangered patios and prayed that they would be able to serve others until 2:00 am, as God intended. As he was leaving, a Trolley Pub roared by, startling his security team.

Saving the best for last, the Pope arrived at Broughton High School to deliver a speech and canonize ITB legend Pistol Pete Maravich. Known to be a huge basketball fan, it came as no surprise that the Pope wanted to make Pistol Pete a Saint. As a tribute to the greatest basketball player ever, the Pope recreated the iconic photograph of Pistol Pete that was taken when he attended Broughton.

The Pope then delivered a powerful speech. He spoke highly of inside the beltline, condemned the new apartments being built everywhere, and went on a tirade against Trolley Pubs.

“I very much like your ITB. It reminds me of my home in the Vatican. I visited your Cameron Village today. It is lovely place. But, if you keep building apartments there will be no room for the clothing boutiques that you buy for your children to keep them employed,” the Pope warned. “The fastest way to eternal damnation is on the Trolley Pub. The “WHOOOO-ing” is the sound of the Beast. Do not succumb to this road demon. I pray for those who indulge in this sin on wheels. Bless their heart,” he continued.

The audience cheered at the remarks and delivered a standing ovation. The Pope had one more thing to say, “Praise be to God. ITBless you all.”

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