A Five Points couple rejoiced as Mary Waldorf van der Williamson, a Kindergarten student at Root Elementary, was dropped off for her third first day of school on Wednesday. While the return to the classroom was a relief for parents, many students were confused by yet another first day of school.
“It’s like there’s a new first day of school every other week. Do you realize how many front porch photo shoots I’ve had to do, how many different bows I’ve had to wear?” said van der Williamson, age 5 and 3/4.
To make matters worse, the mid-February start date left parents ill-equipped to stage a first day of school photo. “Mommy was upset that our smocked back to school clothes weren’t appropriate for 30 degree weather. It took forever to get a picture because Little Davis kept whining about how his knee socks and shorts weren’t warm enough. Then his little fingers were too cold to hold the chalkboard sign. It was a nightmare,” van der Williamson said.
The start and stop nature of the school year has also distorted the perception of time for many students. “Am I still in Kindergarten? I have no concept of time. Seriously, I do not know what months are,” confessed van der Williamson.
The addition of students who have recently moved from out of state has added to van der Williamson’s confusion. “I don’t even recognize the kids in my class. Every time we go back to school there’s a handful of new kids who just moved here from New York or some place called the Bay.”
Even though van der Williamson was excited to return to school in person, she remains apprehensive. “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me….I’m not sure what comes after two because we haven’t learned that in school yet.”
Due to inclement weather, schools will operate on an asynchronous schedule on Thursday, which means students will get the chance to have another first day of school next week.
Now is a great time to donate to Note In The Pocket a great local organization providing clothing to impoverished schoolchildren in Wake County. With your support, donations, volunteer service, and partnership, they impacted 5,069 children and family members in 2020. You can register here for their upcoming Socks & Undie 5k Rundie on Saturday, April 24- 5k at Dorothea Dix Park. Or you can donate here.
An ITB Insider investigation has uncovered some shocking results related to Dry January, the public health campaign that urges people to abstain from alcohol during the month of January. Dry January participants expect to improve their general health, lose weight, and sleep better as a result of not consuming alcohol. We conducted interviews with one therapist and a Five Points couple during our rigorous month-long investigation. We can now confirm that Dry January is directly responsible for a rise in couples therapy sessions held in Raleigh during January.
For therapists, Dry January is like Black Friday and Cyber Monday had a baby.
Dr. Anna Paige, Therapist
In early January we began receiving reports that lines at the Cameron Village ABC store were non-existent, Sunday Funday sales at Lynnwood had plummeted, and the parking lot at the Cameron Village Harris Teeter was a ghost town.
We’re hearing that this is a result of Dry January. The CVHT should return to normal on Feb. 1. https://t.co/lupQV9tDMK
Dry January was clearly spreading in Raleigh, but could it send our local economy into a hangover from which we would never recover? How would couples handle being around each other, their friends, family, and coworkers, while totally sober?
We spoke with Dr. Anna Paige, a couples therapist specializing in first world problems, to learn more about how this was impacting Raleigh and its residents. “For therapists, Dry January is like Black Friday and Cyber Monday had a baby. It’s our most profitable month of the year. This is the first time many couples have ever had to interact with the world without the aid of alcohol. Our appointments steadily increase over the first few weeks, followed by a spike at the end of January,” said Paige.
ITB Insider spent January embedded with a Five Points couple in their 2-bedroom bungalow off of Whitaker Mill. Mary Anna Fletcher, an influencer, and Hunter Davis Fletcher III, a Senior Vice President at TriCap Properties, were attempting Dry January for the first time. Mary Anna told her husband that they would both be doing Dry January and that she would document their journey on her Instagram account “That Is So Fletch”.
The last time I had to wait this long to drink was because of a court order.
Hunter Davis Fletcher III
Hunter was not pleased. “I thought this was just one of her influencer things, not something we’d do together. I stood in line for three hours to get this special release triple IPA and now I have to wait a month before I can drink it. The last time I had to wait this long to drink was because of a court order,” said Fletcher III.
Mary Anna began the month by posting “mocktail” recipes to her Instagram account.
Paige explained why Mary Anna felt the need to share the experience publicly on social media. “Similar to being vegan, a major aspect of Dry January is telling others that you are doing Dry January. Many believe that publicly sharing their progress will show the world how close they are as a couple. External validation can help them cope with the fact that they haven’t spoken to each other for three straight days.”
When asked how much his productivity at work had increased, Hunter replied, “I’ve gone to more coffee meetings this month than I have in my entire career. Do you know how hard it is to close a deal when you can’t drink at a client dinner? I legit might lose my job.”
The couple began seeing Dr. Paige on January 4th. By the end of the month Hunter questioned the origins of Dry January. “Since when is this even a thing? All of a sudden everyone is talking about Dry January. We’ve spent $6,400 on 36 therapy sessions. I swear Big Therapy is behind this.”
Paige did not deny the accusation. “Oh absolutely. We spend a lot of money on Dry January lobbyists.”
Mary Anna seemed less concerned with the cost. “The tartan lining in this whole thing is that we became closer as a couple and we’re saving money. My skin is so much better that I can go an extra month between botox sessions. That’s money in the bank.”
Despite feeling healthier and making many breakthroughs during couples therapy, Mary Anna and Hunter resumed drinking alcohol on February 1st.
On a totally unrelated note, Seaboard Wine will be hosting a free wine tasting from 1:00 pm to 4:00 pm on Saturday, February 8th.
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A Five Points family is preparing for a trek outside the beltline. Davis Knox Craig III and his wife, Mary Anna Dover Craig, have spent the last few weeks carefully planning for their annual holiday visit to the Angus Barn. The 10.3 mile journey from their house in Five Points to the Barn of Angus can be treacherous, especially at this time of the year.
“The beltline was too busy to ford last year. That’s when we lost Little Davis….” Mary Anna said, her voice trailing off as she talked about their only child. Note: Little Davis did not die of dysentery, he just threw a tantrum so unbearable that his father fed him a Go-Gurt laced with Ambien to put him to sleep for the duration of the trip.
A trip of this magnitude requires a lot of planning. The family added AT&T Fiber to their 2018 Yukon from Thompson Buick GMC Cadillac.
“We had to make sure our WiFi would work because cell service can be spotty out there,” said Mary Anna. “I’m bringing my iPad so I can watch The Great British Bake Off on Netflix and do last minute shopping. Little Davis can watch Paw Patrol on his iPad, and Big Davis can just drive in silence.”
With their entertainment planned out, the family still had to prepare for the possibility of being stuck outside the beltline.
Their list of supplies resembled a modern day Oregon Trail inventory:
Extra batteries for charging iPhones, iPads, and MacBook Pros
20 lb bag of grain (non-GMO)
5 lb bag of flour
6 Broughton Tradition Scarves
6 dozen Ladyfingers ham rolls
8 down blankets
4 cases of wine from Seaboard Wine
2 Go-Gurts laced with Ambien
YETI 5-Gallon Bucket
YETI Hopper Two 20
YETI Tundra 75
YETI Tundra 350
4 iPads
3 Bear traps
The father, and party leader, thinks all this planning could have been avoided.
“I’m still a bit upset that White Memorial didn’t let William Needham Finley IV move Angus Barn inside the beltline as part of his summer mission trip in seventh grade,” said Craig III. “But I guess it’s good to use this as a way to teach our kid to appreciate what he has. Sometimes we’ll drive through random strip malls on the way home to remind Little Davis of how good he has it.”
After loading up the Yukon and getting ready to embark, the couple stopped to reflect on the risks associated with such a journey.
“You never know what can go wrong on the trail. But it’s worth it for the Chocolate Chess Pie and cheese and crackers,” said Craig III.
“And for the Instagram,” added Mary Anna.
“And for the…..for….the…” slurred Little Davis from the backseat, as he quietly slipped into a Go-Gurt Ambien induced coma.
Fortunately, Craig III is a doctor, the party is small, and their inventory is well stocked.
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Welcome to the newest edition of ITB Living. Our team of experts spent weeks coming up with the definitive guide to the North Carolina State Fair. We’ve covered everything from foods that won’t ruin your Keto diet to how to get powdered sugar out of your Barbour. Get your exclusive copy today by following @ITBInsider on Instagram and reading this post.
This edition of Raleigh’s premiere digital magazine cover includes:
Fair Foods That Won’t Ruin Your Keto Diet (thanks to the ITBroads for their hard work and research on this one)
Fair Fashion: Matching Flannels For The Fam
Arteries: Do You Really Need Them?
How To Get Powdered Sugar Out Of Your Barbour (Buy A New One)
Red Cross Adds Luxury Suite For “Missing” Dads
Know Before You Go: TSA PreCheck Doesn’t Work On The Ferris Wheel
Avoid An Amber Alert: How To Microchip Your Kids
Cash Is King: Your CCC Member PIN Ain’t No Good Here
Step Right Up! New Fair Game Guesses Your Income Based On ZIP Code
This cutting-edge media property addresses the rapidly growing market of people who don’t have time to read magazines. As a carbon negative media empire, ITB Insider realizes how detrimental magazines are to the environment. We save thousands of trees by not publishing an entire magazine. Each carefully curated edition of ITB Living is posted to the @ITBInsider Instagram account and paired with a blog post on ITBInsider.com.
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Oxygen levels in Raleigh dropped significantly after a historic oak tree in Nash Square was cut down. City officials were forced to murder the tree, located across the street from the former Sprague Law Office and Berkeley Cafe, after discovering that it had some sort of tree disease.
As the tree trunk was being chainsawed to death, residents lined up around the block to get their hands on a piece of history. “I’m hoping I can salvage some of its oxygen. I didn’t even know this tree was being murdered until the AQI on my Apple Watch shot up to 360,” said Norman Larson, referring to the watch’s Air Quality Index feature, which determines air quality on a scale from 0 to 500. Anything above 301 is “hazardous” and considered an emergency.
Some residents saw the demise of the tree as an opportunity. “I’ve got enough tree here to make a dozen cutting boards, a set of coasters, and a small end table. If they let me get a piece of the base I could easily make a headboard or a dining room table,” said Alex Hutton. He added that he plans to sell those items on a private Facebook group where the users would, “go nuts over this stuff, especially once I offer a monogramming option.”
Tree regulatory officials are now concerned with fraud related to the sale of “authentic” pieces of the Nash Square tree. “It happens more than you think. A historic tree or building is demolished and people see an opportunity for exploitation,” said Eric Clay, a tree regulator. “We’ve already caught one landscaping company that was offering to spread “authentic Nash Square wood chips” in yards on Marlowe Road. It turned out to be regular wood chips from Logan’s.”
Residents are encouraged to hire a carbon dating expert or an ITB mom from garden club to ensure any Nash Square tree products are authentic. If fraud is suspected, please contact Stacy Miller at the offices of Miller Law Group.
The crowds eventually subsided, as dozens of tree removal specialists continued to clear the area of mangled limbs. One bystander asked, “Why didn’t they use one of those helicopter saws? Seems like that would’ve been a lot easier.”
POLL: Are you in favor of Raleigh getting a helicopter saw? RT for yes, like if you’re afraid of taking risks. pic.twitter.com/xhwthqBF0F
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— William Needham Finley IV(It’s real. I made it up) (@WNFIV) October 2, 2019
Vest season has been delayed due to unusually high temperatures in Raleigh. Residents who have been conditioned to wear vests during the usually cool month of October are struggling to adapt. “What the hell am I supposed to wear to a tailgate in October?” said Sutton Nichols III.
Many parents are concerned that it will not be cool enough to wear fall attire while taking pumpkin patch pictures with their children.
“It’s so hot that I’ll be dressed for picking strawberries but we’ll be surrounded by orange and that’s going to clash. I don’t care what the weather is, I’m wearing my damn Barbour vest,” said Mary Elizabeth Williams.
Temperatures are expected to remain in the 80s for at least another week. Shares of Patagonia and Barbour are trading at all-time lows as a result.
This isn’t the first time residents have had to deal with these issues. A Five Points couple, and their Cavalier King Charles, once struggled with what Barbour jackets to wear during an unusually hot February in 2017, 2018, and 2019.
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A Five Points dad hit a parenting milestone this week, sort of. Sutton Nichols III successfully taught his son, Sutton IV or “Little Sutton,” to ride a Peloton. The popular stationary exercise bike, which offers live and recorded streaming fitness classes led by virtual instructors, has become a staple of homes inside the beltline.
What is normally a memorable moment between parent and child was somewhat bittersweet, as Nichols wasn’t physically present to teach his son how to ride the Peloton. “Look, I’m a Vice Executive President Associate Partner at a big commercial real estate firm. I don’t have time to teach my kid to ride a Peloton. My wife was on my case about not spending enough time with the kids, so I took care of it,” said Nichols.
Nichols had his assistant contact Peloton with an offer. He would pay the company to digitally insert him into a series of classes as the instructor, an idea he got from spending a significant amount of time watching YouTube.
“Have you seen these deepfake videos? They’re insane. These nerds figured out how to use computers to put a person’s face and voice on someone else. It’s like photoshop but for a video. It’s actually kind of scary,” said Nichols.
He was referring to the recently popular deepfake videos, which use machine learning to superimpose existing images and videos onto source videos. In the example below, actor Bill Hader appears to be Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tom Cruise, and Seth Rogen.
We asked why Nichols had concocted such an elaborate and expensive scheme when he could have just become a Peloton instructor, or taught his son to ride a normal bicycle. “I make way – and I cannot emphasize this enough – too much money to become a real Peloton instructor,” he explained.
Since money did not seem to be an issue for Nichols, we asked why he didn’t buy a second Peloton to take the classes with his son. “And risk losing my dad bod? I worked too hard pounding cases of White Claw and Old Tuffy at the club this summer,” he scoffed.
We spoke to nearby residents and learned that Nichols was not the only one using the Peloton as a teaching tool. “I wish I’d thought of that deepfake idea. I travel all the time for work and figured I’d teach my kid to ride a bike by using the Peloton. It turned out to be one of the biggest mistakes of my life. After six months of classes, my kid started to think that Vince the Peloton instructor was his actual father,” said a neighbor who wished to remain anonymous.
I worked too hard pounding cases of White Claw and Old Tuffy at the club this summer.
Sutton Nichols III
Nichols didn’t just pay Peloton to digitally insert him into their courses. He also had to find a time when the Peloton was not being used by his wife, Mary Eton Nichols. “She’s on that thing constantly. I don’t even know how she has time to tell the housekeeper and the sitter what to do.”
The competition among Peloton riders was one of many reasons why Mary Eaton didn’t want to let Little Sutton become a user. “This is my life. I’m out here every day climbing up the leaderboard. Have you heard about the PED ring in Hayes Barton? They’re all doping to gain an advantage. It’s absurd that Peloton isn’t drug testing,” she said, insinuating that riders are using performance enhancing drugs to become better at riding a stationary exercise bike.
“I thought about contacting Stacy Miller to sue another rider that I KNOW is cheating. Unfortunately, I don’t have impulse control and I just called the person out in our Peloton Facebook group,” she added.
Nichols convinced his wife to let Little Sutton use the Peloton from 10:00 am to 11:00 am, while Mary Eton was attending her daily barre class.
Mary Eton had mixed feelings. “I mean, yeah, it’s great that he taught Little Sutton how to ride a bike that doesn’t move, but how am I supposed to post that on Instagram? It’s almost fall and getting a shot of Big Sutton holding Little Sutton’s seat as he wobbles down White Oak with the leaves changing colors in the background was going to be the PERFECT beginning of fall post. What the hell am I supposed to do now?!” said Mary Eton.
While there are still some issues to work through, the couple is proud to see the progress Little Sutton has made. “He started dead last on the leaderboard, but he’s working his way up. We’ve scheduled him in classes with a few other kids his age, so he’s also making friends.”
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A Hayes Barton family was almost torn apart after a disastrous first day of school. Grace Anne Stewart, a mother of two, came close to filing for divorce after her husband, Charles Stewart, failed to follow her simple instructions for taking a back to school photo of their children.
Grace Anne had gone out of town to be with her sister who was giving birth, one of the only reasons a mother would miss a back to school photo shoot of her kids. She laid out specific instructions and sent Charles a reminder text early Monday morning.
Charles woke up, read the text, remembered about half of it, and began his day. He tried putting the kids into the outfits his wife had chosen, but gave up after mild tantrums ensued. He bribed the children with extra iPad time to get them to write their names on the chalkboard and then quickly took the pictures. As the kids got in the car for the .3 mile trek to school, Charles got on a conference call with his commercial real estate colleagues. It was time to analyze their recent Fantasy Football draft. Charles got caught up in discussing who should start at his flex spot and forgot to send the pictures to his wife.
He dropped the kids off at school, assuming he’d won Father of the Year for getting them there on time. By 9:00 am, Grace Anne knew something was wrong. She texted her husband.
Grace Anne: Charles! Where are the pictures?!
Charles: Sorry, got caught up on a work call. It was important.
Grace Anne: It’s 9:05 am. Our picture won’t be seen by as many people if we don’t post it right now. We need at least 100 likes this year.
Charles sent the pictures at 9:06 am, which is the exact moment his marriage nearly came to an end.
Grace Anne: CHARLES!!!!
Charles: Don’t the kids look cute?
Grace Anne: The chalkboard, Charles. The fucking chalkboard.
Charles: I put the chalkboard out!
Grace Anne: Yeah, you did, but those grades are from LAST YEAR. David had a huge growth spurt this summer. He doesn’t look like he’s going into the 4th grade, unless he’s the Hodor of Root. He’s a damn giant.
Charles: It’s not my fault the kids don’t know what grade they’re going into. There are literally 1 million pictures of kids going back to school today on social media. No one actually reads the chalkboards.
Grace Anne: Well three of my group texts noticed immediately. And I told you to put him in seersucker shorts and a Brooks Brothers polo from the ITBack to School Must Haves guide. Why is he wearing a Golden State Warriors t-shirt and basketball shorts?! This isn’t a Jaycee basketball game!!!
Charles: I’ll fix it.
Grace Anne: How?! Now we don’t have a first day of school picture to post next to our last day of school picture at the end of the year! Do you want this to be your second divorce before you’re 35? We are done. DONE!
Charles knew nothing good could come from replying to an all caps “done” text message. Thinking he could salvage the picture, and hoping to avoid another costly divorce, Charles cancelled his scheduled 3 hour coffee meeting at Third Place, hopped in his Yukon, and sped towards Root.
He pulled the kids out of class, did 95 down Glenwood, and arrived at home. He frantically made the kids change clothes and pose for another picture in front of the chalkboard, now updated with the correct grades. He took a dozen pictures and sent them to his wife by 10:00 am.
Grace Anne: These are fine. But if this doesn’t get 100 likes so help me God…
As of 6:00 pm the picture had only received 87 likes.
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Welcome to the definitive guide to starting another school year with your best boat shoe forward. The last thing you need as a parent is for little Davis III or Mary Anna to come home crying after the first day of school because they wore the wrong article of clothing or had a store brand snack in their lunch.
That’s why we’ve created this handy back to school guide that will ensure your children get off to a great start. From North Face to New Balances, these are the ITBasic items that will meet the approval of your peers.
We’ve taken the time to link all of these products from Amazon so you can shop at home while binge watching Season 2 of Ozark and sipping on our back to school rosé from Seaboard Wine at High Park Village. Click on the product image or the title to purchase these items on Amazon and support the ITB Insider™ media empire, at no extra cost. You’re welcome.
Same as above. Start teaching your children the importance of wearing proper shoes as they navigate the waters of the Pullen Park boats. But not the paddle boats, those require too much work.
A quintessential part of the ITB wardrobe, the Brooks Brothers polo should be worn every day of the week. When not wearing a Brooks Brothers polo, make sure your child is wearing a t-shirt from an acceptable restaurant, such as Sanitary, Beaufort Grocery, Angus Barn, etc.
The only shoe you’ll ever need. Your kid is probably begging for some new Under Armour shoe. Remind them that New Balances will never go out of style and will never blow a 3-1 lead in the NBA Finals.
A classic for kids of all ages. Name brand? Check. Solid color that goes with anything? Check. Also, the Borealis is unisex so your child can’t be made fun of for having a backpack designed for the opposite sex.
If you aren’t matching with your child on at least the first day of school then you’re doing it wrong.
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Dressing for success is critical for your child’s development, but you can’t stop there. The following items will help your child get through the rest of their school day without getting stuffed into a locker or shunned by the Alpha in their class.
Scout Lunch Bag
The days of bringing your lunch to school in a brown paper bag are over. If your child doesn’t show up to lunch with one of these they might as well eat alone in their locker to avoid the shame you’ve brought upon them.
You bought the designer lunch bag, but you aren’t going to put your child’s food in a ziplock bag are you? Those things are FULL of BPA, PVC, and phthalates. Save your child’s life by using these lunch containers. The separated compartments are perfect for kids who are predisposed to melting down when their foods touch.
Pirate’s Booty has rocketed to the top of the snack food charts. Some might say this snack is on the expensive side, but the alternative is sending your kid to school with a bag of Utz cheese balls. Do you really want to be the talk of a thousand group texts before the last SUV has left the after school pick-up line?
Annie’s Cheddar Bunnies are basically Goldfish crackers, and you probably can’t go wrong with either. However, Annie’s just seems more ITB because of how much they shove that organic label in your face.
You can’t send your child to school with a bottle of Deer Park and call it a day anymore. Their drink needs to have ice and that ice needs to stay frozen solid until you pick them up. Fortunately, YETI is the only tumbler with this type of ice preservation technology.
The perfect receptacle for your child’s schoolwork, which you will ultimately be responsible for.
While this guide is far from complete, it should be enough to get you started. Good luck to you and your children on another exciting year of attending ITB schools!
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The Women’s International Champions Cup is bringing four of the best women’s professional clubs from around the world to compete on August 15 and 18 at WakeMed Soccer Park. Get your tickets now!
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The wait is finally over for Chris Reynolds Monroe III. The NC State alumnus was thrilled to pick up his first 12-pack of Old Tuffy bright and early on Monday morning. Monroe had been waiting months for this special edition lager made by New Belgium Brewing.
“I know I’m not supposed to say this, but this is better than my kids,” he said, while gently buckling the 12-pack into the backseat of his lifted 2019 GMC Sierra 1500 Denali pickup.
“Usually the only thing that gets me up this early is posting at F3,” he added, referring to a fitness group that meets before sunrise in order to avoid dealing with children in the morning.
Monroe plans to spend the rest of the day taking pictures around NC State landmarks while holding the 12-pack. “I saw some influencers posting about it a few weeks before the release and it just inspired me to be a better person,” he said, as he ignored the notification on his phone reminding him to drop his children off at school.
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Local authorities were dispatched to the home of Mary Anna Howell after receiving a tip that she had attempted to sell her child on the internet in exchange for tickets to Pullen Park’s sold-out Holiday Express event. The yearly event features a festively lit Pullen Park and a train ride on The Holiday Express, which runs for 10 nights in December.
Howell’s posting was found in micITBit, a private Facebook group where ITB residents buy and sell new or used items, seek out recommendations, and complain about a variety of topics.
“UGH, y’all, I can’t even right now. We just wanted to take our kids to a lit AF Pullen Park but the tickets sold out in MINUTES! I’d be willing to give up our second child for 4 tickets. PM me if you have extras. Thanks!”
Authorities arrived at the Hayes Barton home around 9:00 am and found Howell drinking rosé from an ITBlessed wine glass. They confronted her about the post.
“I wasn’t selling my child, it was just a joke and it wasn’t even my firstborn. Give me a break,” said Howell, who has three children and runs a multi-million dollar monogram store on Etsy that she claims is not a business.
Howell claimed the post was made out of frustration, and pointed to other moms who had expressed their disappointment online. The Facebook comments began as soon as the tickets went on sale.
“I saw William Needham Finley IV’s post about trying to save Christmas, but I just couldn’t wait any longer,” said Howell. Finley IV had reached out to the Raleigh Parks Department in an attempt to rent out the entire park.
“If I can’t get tickets I’m definitely buying one of his photoshop packages,” said Howell, referring to Finley IV’s offer to photoshop pictures of families on the Holiday Express for a small fee.
“He also said he was going to set up a class action lawsuit that Stacy Miller would help us on, so we may join that,” added Howell.
To prevent people from buying a large quantity of tickets for the purpose of reselling them, the City capped the number of tickets one could buy at 10 per transaction. However, that doesn’t stop people from opening up multiple browser windows and buying 10 at a time.
“Raleigh Parks employees apparently had a betting pool on how fast the tickets would sell out. I’m pretty sure betting is illegal. Someone should look into that,” snapped Howell, as an agent looked through her monogramming drawer.
“It makes no sense that the City holds this for 10 days. Hell, start it with “Christmas in July” and run it for 6 months if you have to. And are we really just letting anyone buy tickets to this? It’s a CITY park. They should be verifying ZIP codes before allowing people to buy tickets,” Howell continued to rant, opening a second bottle of rosé.
Authorities determined that pretending to sell your child online in exchange for tickets to an event was not actually a crime, but have placed Howell on a watch list. As they left the Hayes Barton home they could hear Howell on the phone with her husband yelling, “Do they know who I am? I mean, do they know it’s Christmas time at all?”
Residents of Five Points are taking matters into their own hands after a disastrous 4th of July. To celebrate the birth of our great nation, many neighborhood residents gathered near the railroad tracks at the end of Bickett Boulevard to view the fireworks display being put on in downtown Raleigh. Then disaster struck. As the fireworks were starting, a Norfolk Southern train showed up and ruined everything.
“The train showed up right as the fireworks started and came to a complete stop. It would pull forward about ten feet then back up again, all while the train crossing signal kept ringing,” said Stahler McKinney, who notified me of this tragedy on Twitter.
Neighbors became more irate as they stared at a large train blocking their view of the fireworks.
“We have rights. It’s in the Declaration of Rights,” said Liza Jane Wambles. “Who the hell is Norfolk Southern? Isn’t that in Brier Creek? I’ve been drinking rosé all day, hashtag rosé allll dayyy!!!!” she slurred, before being cut off by her husband, Banks Wambles.
“Please don’t say “hashtag” in public. We’ve been over this,” he said quietly, pulling the bottle of rosé away. “But yes, this is definitely a problem. Now we’ve got to deal with three kids under 5 asking where the fireworks are. We can only distract them with Pirate’s Booty for so long,” he added.
Children could be heard crying “I can’t see! Moooooom, I can’t see!” while many parents wept silently, knowing there would be no end to the whining.
“This was basically our Vietnam. Explosions going off, the train crossing signal blaring, and little Charlie Jr. here torturing me with constant questions about why the train won’t move. I pushed my kids all the way out here in our UPPAbaby stroller that my wife got on micITBit. We were expecting to see fireworks.” said Charles Jarvis, a Five Points resident.
Emotions ran high as two dads fought over the last craft beer in the YETI Hopper. “My dad and Mr. Caldwell were wrestling in the street. Then Mr. Caldwell took a nap on the ground and the ambulance bagged and tagged him, so we went inside to play Mario Kart 8,” said one child, clearly desensitized to the ITB dad on ITB dad violence.
“now that Mr. Caldwell’s been bagged and tagged you wanna go play Mario Kart?”
“Yeah, the dad on dad crime isn’t a good look, but it happens. If word gets out that we can’t even see the fireworks from our neighborhood, our property values are going to plummet,” said Wambles.
The residents plan to sue Norfolk Southern for negligence, obstruction of independence, obstruction of freedom, potential decrease in property values, and “being annoying AF” as Liza Jane Wambles put it. While the residents have yet to select a firm to handle the class action suit, they are expected to go with Stacy Miller and Miller Law Group.
It’s been 10 years since the North Carolina Hurricanes have been in the NHL playoffs. There’s a good chance you no longer fit into the Hurricanes apparel you proudly purchased after the team won the Stanley Cup in 2006. We’re here to help.
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Steps:
Purchase a Hurricanes decal or patch.
Apply Hurricanes decal/patch to your NC State jersey. Refer to the jersey as a “sweater” or you’ll be shunned by hockey fans.
Repeat the above steps for other apparel, but only refer to the jersey as a “sweater.” A hat is still a hat, a t-shirt is still a t-shirt, etc.
If you own an NC State Tradition Scarf, you may be able to strategically wrap it around your body so that it resembles a Hurricanes scarf. Alternatively, their Red & White Chevron Infinity Scarf could pass as Hurricanes apparel.
Tips For Watching the Games
If you’re reading this, you probably haven’t watched hockey in a decade. The good news is that not much has changed. The players will still be attempting to score goals by hitting the puck (a small black disk that’s roughly the size of a Skoal can) into a net (similar to a large bass fishing net) guarded by a goalkeeper (a player who is roughly the size of an offensive tackle wearing full pads).
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Each team will send out five players, in addition to their goalie (offensive tackle). In most cases, three of these players will be forwards (similar to a wide receiver, running back, tight end, etc.) and two will be defensemen (similar to a free safety, cornerback, or middle linebacker). Those players will then skate around the ice rink (think football field) while holding sticks (similar to the first down marker and chain set, but without the padding and chain) that are used to control the puck (Skoal can).
Those players will jump in and out of their bench (sideline) a lot during the game, so don’t bother trying to keep up with who is on the field. Also, these games have two half times and they serve beer, so pace yourself.
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It’s The Best 12 Days of Giveaways on @ITBInsider’s Instagram! Our inaugural giveaway features 12 of the finest businesses in Raleigh. The best part is that we’re able to give away prizes from each of them to our loyal Instagram followers. We’re basically the Oprah’s Favorite Things and Ellen’s 12 Days of Giveaways, but for Raleigh and without the TV show.
As a special holiday treat, we brought in ITBlake the intern to deliver the gifts each day on our Instagram story.
Bailey’s Fine Jewelry
Bailey’s is proud to be your one-stop-shop for everything from engagement rings to designer and custom jewelry to giftware and more. With many top brands to choose from, you’re sure to find something perfect for your special someone, or yourself. They’ve been family owned and operated for 70 years. Every woman wants a Bailey Box Under the Tree!
Davis & Pyle and Skin Raleigh exist to help people have more confidence than ever before. They offer natural looking skin, breast, and body enhancement with an award-winning team of experts to guide you through the process.
For nearly 30 years, Ladyfingers has catered and collaborated with clients on an array of special events. Their Shaved Country Ham Rolls are a staple at brunches, graduations, parties, and holidays. North Carolina country ham is cured to perfection, hand-shaved, drizzled with a secret brown sugar butter glaze, and stuffed into a soft and delicious yeast roll. They also offer catering services so you can sit back and take credit for preparing award-winning meals.
Wine & Design Raleigh has been a go-to group activity for years. Their success even led them to a “Shark Tank” appearance where they struck a deal with Mr. Wonderful, Kevin O’Leary.
Bring your friend, your partner, your crush or your mom and enjoy a glass of wine in an uplifting environment. You pick the painting of your choice, and a Wine & Design artist guides you through it step by step in a fun, no-pressure class. Each paint and sip class take two hours and you’ll leave with a painting and a smile.
NOFO @ the Pig is located in the historic Five Points Business District near downtown and just north of Glenwood South. Housed in a restored Piggly Wiggly grocery store building, the combination cafe, food market, and gift shop is the perfect spot to do your holiday shopping. They offer everything from customizable gift baskets to unique locally sourced products.
Founded in 1991, the 100% employee-owned craft brewery puts out some of the best beers year after year. They’re also known for their incredible beer dinners. Stop by Tasty to get New Belgium’s Brut IPA – the perfect beer for New Years. If you’re venturing to Asheville over the holidays, be sure to check out the New Belgium brewery tour.
Our favorite wine store in Raleigh, Seaboard Wine has served the Triangle for over 20 years. Their new location in High Park Village includes a tasting bar and a huge selection of wine. Their expert staff will help you find the right selection for any occasion.
Featuring creative, seasonal New American small plates and entrees, as well as craft cocktails, Stanbury is the best restaurant in Raleigh. Who else has plates featuring Jeremiah Johnson?
ITBlake introduced the world to Burn Bootcamp West Raleigh in 2018 and the world was never the same. They’ve recently opened Burn Bootcamp Garner, which offers the same great daily exercise challenges, recipes and how-to cooking videos, a ‘Drop your sugar’ challenge, complimentary child watch, one-on-one personalized nutrition meetings, and personalized training in a group setting, all in a supportive community.
Midtown Plumbing is the best locally owned and operated full-service, residential plumbing company. From minor repairs to major upgrades, they’ll take care of all of your plumbing needs. We couldn’t do a holiday giveaway and not pay homage to Cousin Eddie’s “shitter was full” moment from National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.
Downtown Dental opened in the summer of 2012 in downtown Raleigh to serve the needs of a growing and revitalized community. They offer only the highest quality of care ranging from routine cleanings to more advanced procedures like dental implants and cosmetics, all in a comfortable setting. As long-time residents and natives of Raleigh, Drs. Moore and Wells are excited to be part of the bustling downtown community and look forward to meeting you. They also have a La Croix fridge that ITBlake the intern keeps full at all times.
Mary Allison Marlowe has finally been recognized for her culinary skills after preparing a Thanksgiving dinner unlike any other. The James Beard Foundation presented Marlowe with the “Outstanding Thanksgiving Dinner (12 Seats and Under)” award on Thursday evening.
Marlowe’s award-winning meal featured the following dishes and wines:
Country Ham Rolls
Bacon and Scallion Cheese Biscuits
Deviled Eggs
Butter Whipped Mashed Potatoes
Three Cheese Mac & Cheese
Green Bean Casserole W/ Fried Onions
10 LB. Bone-In Smoked Turkey Breast
Pecan Pie
Chocolate Peanut Butter Cream Pie
Fritz Müller ‘Perlwine’ Müller-Thurgau Trocken 2017 (4 bottles)
Franck Besson ‘Rose Granit’ Sparkling Rosé (4 bottles)
Bodegas Chacra “Barda”- Pinot Noir 2017 (4 bottles)
Judges overlooked the fact that the entire meal was ordered from the Ladyfingers Thanksgiving Menu, and that all of the wine was selected by experts from Seaboard Wine.
“We know she bought the whole meal from Ladyfingers, and we don’t care. We’re just tired of getting Facebook DMs, texts, and calls from her every year for the last sixteen years. We gave her this award so she’d leave us alone,” said an award representative, who asked not to be named.
After composing a lengthy caption for her Instagram post about how thankful she is for the award, Mary Allison Marlowe sat back to enjoy a bottle of rosé as she waited for the likes to roll in.
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Welcome to the third issue of ITB Living. After publishing two groundbreaking digital magazine covers, we’re back with more tips on how to navigate the world of inside the beltline.
In this issue, our team of experts came up with the definitive guide to having the best Thanksgiving ever. Get your copy today by simply following @ITBInsider on Instagram and reading this post!
This cutting edge media property addresses the rapidly growing market of people who don’t have time to read magazines. As a carbon negative media company, ITB Insider realizes how bad magazines are for the environment. Think about all those pages and ink piling up in a landfill after not being read in an office waiting room. Magazines are basically the new plastic straws (sorry, sea turtles). Each carefully curated issue of ITB Living is posted to the @ITBInsider Instagram account and paired with a blog post on ITBInsider.com. We’re in discussions to launch a podcast as well.
Buy an ITB pie from Share the Pie this Thanksgiving, and support the mission of building stronger families through access to employment and healthcare.
Welcome to the second issue of ITB Living, the world’s first digital magazine cover publication. After an incredible launch in September, we’re back with more tips on how to navigate the world of inside the beltline.
You’ll notice some drastic changes in this second issue. We have expanded the magazine cover size based on the overwhelming response to the first issue. The cover is now 25% percent larger. That’s even bigger than the difference between a Yukon Denali and a Yukon Denali XL from Thompson Buick GMC Cadillac (#hiMark).
Our newest cover has everything you need to survive Halloween, whether you’re roaming the streets of Country Club Hills with a liquor drink in a YETI tumbler or pulling a toddler in a Radio Flyer wagon through the alleys of Cameron Park.
Costumes That Won’t Offend Anyone (JK, That’s Impossible In 2018)
Tiny Pumpkins: How many is too many? #porchgoals
Trunk-or-Treating: Are we really doing this now?
Don’t stress about eating all your child’s Halloween candy. #candycarbsdon’tcount
High-Resolution Cover:
About ITB Living
This cutting edge media property addresses the rapidly growing market of people who don’t have time to read magazines. As a carbon negative media company, ITB Insider realizes how bad magazines are for the environment. Think about all those pages and ink piling up in a landfill after not being read in an office waiting room. Magazines are basically the new plastic straws (sorry, sea turtles). Each carefully curated issue of ITB Living is posted to the @ITBInsider Instagram account and paired with a blog post on ITBInsider.com. We’re in discussions to launch a podcast as well.
We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.
The following series is presented by Express Yourself Paint, the highest rated interior painting contractor on Angie’s List in the Triangle. Get a FREE painting estimate by calling today (919-666-3952) or schedule online at www.NCpaintingProcess.com.
Update: Are people really making millions by flipping Lilly Pulitzer dresses on Facebook groups?
Update: The second trailer for the riveting docuseries has been released.
It’s finally happening. A documentary series about the fascinating world of micITBit, a secret buy/sell Facebook group in Raleigh, is set to debut this winter.
In Making micITBit, documentary filmmakers follow the money and uncover the truth, leaving no monogrammed doormat unturned. No topic is off limits, from porch pickups (PPUs) to the underground smock market, and much more.
Last week, the official trailer for the series debuted on ITB Insider’s Facebook page and on the recently re-launched Instagram account (@ITBInsider).
Critics are already raving about the project, leaving comments like,
“I’d go ahead and book travel to Sundance.”
“The struggle of a $7 pickup and only having a $10 is real.”
“It should be called MicITB Whipped.”
The series has already been submitted to the major film festivals.
Like any hotly anticipated project in Raleighwood, a few of the episode titles have already leaked (Stranger’s Things, The Smock Market, This Is micITBit). More information on the series is expected to be announced in the coming weeks.
Businesses interested in advertising opportunities should e-mail business@itbinsider.com for more information.
About micITBit
micITBit is a secret and private Facebook group used by over 8,800 Raleigh residents (with 700+ on the waiting list) to buy and sell smocked baby clothes, furniture, Lilly dresses, and other items. It’s like if Craigslist and Facebook had a baby, then enrolled the baby in a private school.
The majority of micITBit transactions are “porch pickups” (PPU). The seller leaves the item on their front porch and the buyer leaves cash under the doormat when picking the item up. At any given time, there is an estimated $4 million in small bills sitting under the doormats of Raleigh homes.
La Croix themed Wine & Design classes sold out within seconds of being announced this week. As the name implies, participants in the class pay $35 to paint a picture of a can of La Croix, the popular sparkling flavored water that everyone is cripplingly addicted to.
A photo posted by William Needham Finley IV (@wnfiv) on
Before offering the class to the public, Wine & Design held a test run to work out any kinks. They invited some of their most loyal customers to explore their inner Monet while painting pictures identical to everyone else in the class.
The first issue arose when guests were tasked with choosing which flavor of La Croix to paint, which caused quite a rift.
“The rehearsal gave us some important customer feedback. We should’ve known that people would want to paint Pamplemousse instead of the other flavors. When Mary Helen threatened to “cut someone” in support of Coconut we decided to add classes for smaller groups of sociopaths who enjoy Coconut. We just want everyone to look happy when they’re all holding identical paintings and posing for the group picture,” said a Wine & Design representative.
In addition to offering more flavor options, Wine & Design will cater the class with wine and special La Croix cocktails. For an additional $200, guests can order a La Croix cake and cupcakes from Hayes Barton Cafe, inspired by the cake recently offered by a Whole Foods in hipster Williamsburg.
Photo by Scott Heins/Gothamist
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A secondary market has already emerged for tickets to the classes. Some are being sold for up to $500 on private Facebook groups such as micITBit.
“I bought 50 tickets as soon as my mom told me she went to the rehearsal class. I knew people would eat this up. It’s like the next Holiday Express. It’s perfect for a Deb luncheon, a girls night out, bachelorette parties, and gossip club.” said an unnamed futures trader.
Additional classes were added through the year 2020, but they sold out within 10 minutes.
We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.
Welcome to the debut issue of ITB Living, the world’s first digital magazine cover publication. This cutting edge media property addresses the rapidly growing market of people who don’t have time to read magazines. Not to mention the fact that magazines are incredibly bad for the environment. Think about all those pages and ink piling up in a landfill after not being read in an office waiting room. Magazines are basically the new plastic straws (sorry, sea turtles).
We’re ecstatic to be the first entrant in this market that we invented. We’ll have monthly issues, special editions, pop-up issues, and more. Each carefully curated issue will be posted to the @ITBInsider Instagram account and will be paired with a blog post on ITBInsider.com. We’re in discussions to launch a podcast as well.
There is no better time to debut ITB Living than the weekend of the Deb Ball. Just like our beloved debutantes, this first edition was conceived by a group of former debs and escorts.
Without further ado, we proudly present the Deb Ball ’18 edition of ITB Living:
Our inaugural cover has everything you need to have an ITBlessed Deb Ball weekend. Be sure to tag @ITBInsider in your pics, now that you’re allowed to post about it.
High-Resolution Cover:
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The Cameron Village Harris Teeter is recovering from a month that saw sales of Natural Light and Cook’s Rosé hit an all-time high. The popular grocery store did over $6 million in sales just from those two products in the month of August. The spike in sales can be traced to the return of area college students.
According to store manager John Clifford, Harris Teeter employees have spent the last few weeks in a continuous loop of checking suspicious out-of-state IDs, restocking shelves with Natural Light and Cook’s Rosé, and retrieving shopping carts that had been left stranded throughout the parking lot.
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“The crowds were large, but nowhere near as large as when local meteorologists incorrectly predict we’ll get 3 inches of snow,” said Clifford, who was glad to see the students return.
Zack Smith, a sophomore at NC State, was glad he could contribute to the record-setting month. “As a 21-year-old, who is 21 years old, it’s good to know we helped set a record. Natural Light is just so versatile. It’s great for flip cup, beer pong, tailgating, playing Fortnite, you name it,” he said, while loading 16 cases of Natural Light into a tan 2006 Tahoe.
Hunter Webster, a fraternity brother of Smith’s, added, “It’s also healthy. It’s like the La Croix of beers.”
Clifford implemented a few changes to make sure the store was prepared to capitalize on the influx of students.
For example, after checking out, students were given the chance to take a picture inside of a cardboard cutout of the Harris Teeter Instagram account with a caption that read, “Back to school shopping fam! HT so lit rn! #backtoschool #ht #cvht” An employee also handed out “We did it!” stickers to each shopper.
Clifford said that heaping praise on students for simply purchasing groceries was part of a customer retention strategy. “With all these food delivery companies popping up every week we realize it’s hard for these students to actually go shopping. We wanted to reward them and make their trip more of an experience.”
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The strategy seemed to win over at least a few students. “I like that they made me feel like I accomplished something by going to the store on my own,” said Allison Morris, a junior at Meredith. Morris added that she “fell in love” with rosé during her summer session abroad in France.
With the record-setting month coming to a close, Clifford’s focus must now shift. “We’re excited about the record and we love having the students back. We made it through the first wave without any employees going on strike. Now we’re getting ready for Pumpkin Spice season, which starts tomorrow.”
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Photo by Scott Heins/Gothamist
